Meditation for December 16th
Taking It Slow
There has been a lot of debate over whether it is a good idea, when dating, to go slow. What does it even mean to go slow? This is slowly adding time with each other and holding off on sexual intercourse until each person gets to know the other better. Is it a good idea?
No.
First, no proof that taking a slow relationship makes for a more successful relationship. Second, studies show that the shorter the dating, the longer the marriage. Thirdly, humans are as predictable as fuck. What could you possibly be trying to learn?
Scenario one: You really like this person, but you have hung out three times in two months. You did a little necking on your porch swing. You are getting the courage to see if they want to hang out more often. They die. You will never see them again. You wasted valuable time not hanging out with them because you have decided to take it slow. You lost.
Scenario two: You have hung out six times in three months. You have started hanging out once a week. You really like this person, and you can see this developing into a relationship, but to take it slow, you are seeing about 4 to 8 more months of casual dating, and maybe taking the sexual affection to second base then. They get sick. They get so ill that they will need someone to take care of them for years, but it ain’t you. After all, you kept yourself too uninvested in their life because you needed to take it slow. They will be taken care of by someone else, and you will be forgotten. You lost.
Scenario three: You really like this person you have been slowly dating for 9 months, and you take it to the next level and begin a relationship. Your relationship crashed and burned just like it might have if you had jumped into the relationship with a toothbrush in one hand and a Plan B pill in the other on the first date. You wasted your time getting to know someone who just wasn’t ever going to be your perfect love, even after going slow. You’re heartbroken, and they are with someone else now. You lost.
The fact is, you only live a short time, and you only live once, so why waste that life slowly getting to know someone that you could be enjoying the fucking shit out of them every day, right away.
As my ex-wife says, paint the red flags green and go HAM.
Stop thinking that relationships are only perfect if you treat them like you shop at Whole Foods with several food allergies and a strict diet. Some relationships flourish in therapeutic care, while others thrive in the shit.
And lastly, it isn’t how you begin a relationship that determines its success;t it’s the work and communication you do during the relationship.
You go slow, you still get to the point where the two of you are going to boink, and then the honeymoon ends, and you either grow old, or you go -, or you hang on to each other for dear life for a painfully long time.
Jump in both feet and hope for the best. Much more fun that way. It’s better to have than not.
Prayer
Eros,
I have a question,
If you don’t mind.
Is there the One?
Or if I try,
Any relationship I get into,
Would (could) work?
Craft
On your first date, pull out two pieces of paper and two pens. One will go to your date and the other to yourself. Both of you will write a short description of what you are looking for; for example, looking for a monogamous long-term relationship that may or may not lead to marriage, but with no kids. Then write down the last three relationships and the honest reasons they didn’t work out. Don’t put in what was the other person’s fault, but what your part was. Hand them to each other and see if you guys jive. This is a relationship resume.
Bonus points if you can add exes as references
Goal
Stop overthinking and trust your gut.