Meditation for December 15th, 2016
Zodiac Christmas Gift Guide
Have a person in your life that you don’t know what to buy? This guide will help you pick the perfect gift by using the hard science of astrology.
Aries
This Child of War wants super tight, form fitting workout pants and brightly colored New Balance cross fit shoes. An Aries doesn’t have any discipline to actually workout, but they want to look like they do.
Taurus
All Tauruses want to do is drink tea out of a nice homemade mug staring out a window at the falling rain. This will require a huge baggy puffy sweater, one that has big buttons. Any gift that lets them stay inside their homes in depressed isolation will do nicely.
Gemini
These twins want the best gadget phone possible. Give them one of those explosive phones or a year membership to that note taking app that the company gets access to the notes written down. Stick a headband on the phone and tell them it’s a hat phone. Geminis are suckers that way.
Cancer
All Cancers want is cookbooks. The American Cancer have a really hard time with kitchens and how to use kitchens. They put milk in the bowl before the cereal. They need a book to give step by step instructions on how to cook food.
Leo
Leo’s need jewelry and other shiny objects to have their love bought. The shinier the better.
Virgo
A Virgo needs a day planner. Without the help of a day planner, Virgo will fuck up their entire day by accidentally spending five hours in a mall or showing up to everything a day late. Help a Virgo manage their day, get them a day planner. Electronic versions are beyond a Virgos capabilities, so stick with paper.
Libra
A Libra needs a bar of soap. If the Libra doesn’t get a bar of soap for Christmas, than that Libra won’t bathe for 2017.
Scorpio
The Scorpio are the biggest perverts of the zodiac, so lingerie, sex toys, or a goat will be a great gift for these sex addicts.
Sagittarius
Luggage are a great gift for the Sagittarius because you want them to move the fuck away from you.
Capricorn
Capricorns love the feel of other people’s skin on their skin. So go out to “that” part of town, buy yourself a nice pretty professional girl, kill her, and then skin her and give that skin to your favorite Capricorn. Think of it as a sacrafice so that your Capricorn starts imagining your skin as a trench coat.
Aquarius
Aquarians will fall for any new age mesmerizing new fad that becomes popular. Get them a cupping or a massage done by thousands of millipedes. Idiots.
Pisces
These fish are easily placated. Just buy a star and name it after them. Hahahaha!