On January 11, 2016, I began a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day, called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to hold myself accountable. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 9th
The Dangers of Being a Man
Being a man is horrible. If you aren’t a man or identify as not a man, then you have no idea how difficult it is to wake up as a man. We throw around the word privilege like it is this great power that has been bestowed upon us, but really, it is a curse, and we would love to have it removed from our little hands. Are any other genders up for the challenge?
Everyone is trying to kill you.
Yes, that’s right, everyone is trying to kill you. We grow up getting our ass beat trying to be the alpha male on the schoolyard and on the streets and every thug, looky-lou, and dick is trying to kill you to take that position.
You can try not to play reindeer games, but everyone notices and tries to kill you for not being a regular dude trying to murder other normal dudes. Luckily, there are laws in most nations that ban the murder of men, but we have wars to let men kill other men. Women are getting into the action these last hundred years (more recently in the U.S., but the U.S. doesn’t like its women very much), but largely the murdering and war industry is a primarily male business.
Studies have shown that men kill more, are murdered more, and all genders fantasize about killing men.
Men can’t even
Men can’t even control their impulses. They literally act on instincts that society has forbidden for centuries. Men make up the larger percentage of violent crimes. They top every category except for prostitution. Men can’t even keep their cool. They hit shit without even choosing to.
Men can’t deal with life at all. They turn to drug abuse and alcoholism more and they suffer from unchecked mental illnesses because it’s “pussy” to get help. They stuff it all in and die early of a heart attack.
Men don’t mature till they are 25. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD! They have no concept of right and wrong, and can’t devise complex solutions. After they turn twenty-five they are too afraid to change their behavior, so fuck it, I’m an asshole till I die. 25, a man can own a gun, join the army, go to prison, vote, and even be a fucking representative in the U.S. fucking congress! A KID WHO HASN’T EVEN MATURED MENTALLY CAN MAKE LAW!
Women mature at 11. Women emotionally mature at 32, while men don’t emotionally mature till they are 43! FORTY FUCKING THREE YEARS OLD!?! You can be a senator and run for president of the United States of America!
Maybe there is an issue there…
Sex is a fucking nightmare.
All men want is sex. All of society is set up to applaud the man who gets a pretty lady to have sex with him. All modern cultural entertainment forms show men getting sex from pretty women. For the later part of our childhood and well into our twenties, sex is the most essential topic a man knows. He will try to have it a lot.
Well, it is frustrating if you can’t have sex as many times as you want, and it is more frustrating not to be an attractive person who can even have sex at all without the help of pornography or prostitution, which doesn’t help the man see sex healthy.
If there is one thing that most of the mass shooters had in common, it is that they were men, and they were sexually frustrated or confused. Most of them hated women (The U.S. media empires and religious moral idealogues don’t show women in the most positive light), and felt betrayed, ignored, or even outright rejected by them.
If you blame women for being single, you are showing signs of being a mass shooter.
Because of how men are terrible at impulse control, are idiots when it comes to emotional wisdom, and are always trying to kill, women find most strange men to be scary. They will remain on guard until they confirm that the man is not a threat, which poses a considerable risk.
If you’re gay, then you are trying not to be murdered by other men and trying to get by in a culture that caters primarily to heterosexual relationships. It stems from jealousy because gay culture celebrates sex and beauty in a way that hetero men won’t.
Here is where patriarchy and privilege sucks
Money is the peacock feathers for men. They spend their entire life making money and blowing it on stupid toys and expensive food cooked by others. The movie industry is producing films about every toy, comic book, sporting event, and video game, as well as remaking movies from our childhoods. Transformers were a popular toy. Needed a woman’s touch, so Megan Fox was added for feminine flair. Men blow their money. Shia LaBeouf wasn’t cutting it, so they added Bostonian race crime committing ’90s rapper, underwear model, and actor Mark Wahlberg to keep that man’s money flowing.
Men are losing their cool because they remade Ghostbusters with an all-women cast! Luckily, the women are also upset because the black woman is too black, but this is about how horrible it is to be a man, not a black actress, right?
Unless it’s a young adult book, movies can’t be made from books anymore because reading isn’t considered a traditionally masculine activity.
We are still culturally touted as the “breadwinner”, but really, women can work and live on their own, so why do we even try? Our very existence is threatened. Women don’t need a direct relationship with a man to have offspring. A woman can have a relationship with a man just because it’s retro and novel.
Men will do almost anything to make ends meet financially. Men are more apt to steal, cheat, and engage in shady money-making schemes. Men perpetrated the whole bank collapse. Men made a system and then destroyed it, and had to have the government go “commie” and give the banks money to save our precious economy. Men did that.
Please help me!
Sorry, men don’t talk about their feelings. It isn’t what men do. Does Davy Crockett talk about his shame about stealing Texas from Mexico? Does Andrew Jackson need a hug when he sent the Cherokees a thousand miles from their home to die in Oklahoma? Does John Wayne need to talk about how hard it is to remain in the closet about being gay his whole life? Does Clint Eastwood get some anger off his chest after embarrassing himself talking to an empty chair like an 8th-grade acting monologue going horribly wrong? No, men don’t get that kind of help.
We are stoic. Stiff upper lip. Squared jaw. Squint. We bottle that shit up till we die at 50 or we blow up and lose control of our impulse control and hurt someone or murder. We are murderers and worse because we are a shaken-up can of ginger ale.
We like to befriend women to share some of those feelings, maybe. Still, women prefer the company of other women for support, so men are all alone, standing in the rain, staring at an invisible point, thinking and feeling in a cold world that doesn’t care or want to know what we think or feel.
Men love suicide.
And then men die horribly and sooner.
After a shitty life of trying not to be murdered, murder anyone else, getting over the fact that I matured later in life and that I have to betray masculine behavior to have a healthy relationship with a woman I love, I will shrivel up and die soon.
Men have dementia at a higher rate and lose the ability to take care of themselves sooner than women do. We don’t die romantic deaths when we are old. We don’t just go to sleep and never wake up. We get diseases and we pretty much die because life wrings out our testosterone out of us like a dirty bath towel. We usually die shitting ourselves.
If you are lucky, you might die young. You even have a better chance at that, too. Testosterone often encourages riskier behavior. “Look at me!” is a famous male’s last words. We can die in war, jail, or just on the streets, more likely than women.
God made man and regretted it ever since, and has been trying to get rid of us without getting rid of the women. Men keep killing women, and God is trying to make men completely unnecessary.
I hope he does it.
And you think you have problems.