Meditation for May 13th
You Are Unlucky
Why do things happen to you? Other people seem not to drop things, have medical issues, get into terrible relationships, or have banking issues. You had all those things happen this morning. Are you unlucky, or is God out to get you?
Luck is chance. That means that nothing dictates that any event will happen to you. If there are multiple universes, then that means that at any given nanosecond, an infinite possibilities are happening. You have the best luck in the world in some of those universes! In other universes, well, you don’t want to know. Let’s stick to this world, shall we? There has to be odds that something is going to happen. If it is just luck, then the odds would be just as unpredictable as anyone else. Still, if you have many unlucky events, you might want to look at your relationship with a personal lord and savior, Jesus Quincy Christ.
God was spiteful and vengeful. He tired easily of the human shenanigans. He would flood the earth to start over and decimate towns with fire and brimstone just for wanting to fuck an angel. He finally decided to stop all of this madness and try the more merciful approach by following the footsteps of Zeus and Odin, by coming to earth and fucking a mortal. A half mortal man ought to whip these humans with spouts of love and compassion. They crucified him, primarily for being a rabble-rouser, but he got the same capital punishment as a lot of people in Texas get. Do you think this chilled God out?
Jesus is upset about that. He had huge plans to make the human experience great, guys! So now he spends his time giving bad luck to certain people, not everyone. If you constantly have bad days, you are one of those people.
Today (when I wrote this in 2016) is Friday the 13th, supposedly a bad luck day. Here we are and not a single rock star that matters to most people has died, yet someone somewhere is dealing with a broken grocery bag, a bounced check (because the bank somehow didn’t transfer that one check into the proper checking account so that the savings account still had some money in it and for some reason the bank didn’t get the check transferred and five different bank personnel were spoken to about making this check good so that the other check will clear too or I think I got that right, I over heard this on the bus this morning), or someone out there is missing a bus for the seventh time in a row and getting fired for the third time this year, or someone is just not able to get all the X-01 armor pieces in Fallout 4.
You’re not unlucky, God hates you enough to make your life super inconvenient and annoying, but not take a leg away or smite you with lightning. God realized that the Flood was too much and that people concentrated on the trauma instead of looking at it as a lesson, so he lessened the severity of the punishment. So instead of stabbing you in the liver over and over again, He is giving you thousands of tiny paper cuts.
Prayer
Jesus Quincy Christ,
I know I somehow made it on your shit list.
I want to get off of that.
I keep dating these great guys,
But three months into the relationship, they become possessive monsters or zombies.
I keep losing jobs,
Because I can’t seem to get there on time.
I keep losing friends,
By being a gossip and selfish,
I keep having money problems,
I lost jobs, did not care for my money, and never balanced my checkbook.
How do we fix this, Jesus?
Do we sit down and talk?
Do we do ‘I’ statements?
Do we sit knee-to-knee facing each other?
Can we just be even?
Are you doing this for your dad?
Is your dad still mad at me for masturbating?
How do we make my life lucky instead of unlucky?
Amen.
Craft
Take your nerdy ass down to a gaming store and get yourself some gaming dice. Figure out your stats. What are your strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma? Roll three 6-sided dice 5 times, and add them to the below-listed stats.
Mine would be,
Strength 10 +0 – not very strong, suffers from chronic pain, and works at a desk.
Dexterity 11 +1 – can have some good eye-hand coordination
Constitution 15 +2 Jesus fucking Christ I keep living
Intelligence 9 -1 dumm as hell
Wisdom 12 +1 Every once in a while, I learn from my mistakes, but I usually repeat them a few times.
Charisma 18 +3 I am suave as hell
So, instead of just doing things, you treat it as a dice-rolling game where you meet each challenge by rolling the dice. If the roll is low, don’t do it; if it’s high, you succeed! Each challenge requires a different stat, and you add or subtract a small number from the roll, letting you know if you succeeded or failed.
Walk up to someone you want to ask out on a date, but before you say anything, roll a 20-sided die. If the results are low, take the dice and walk away. If you get a high roll, point to the dice and say, “You are now going on a date with me.” I rolled high on my charisma.
If someone says you are wrong about who the bass player was in 311, even if you are jokingly telling them it’s the weird coworker, roll an Intelligence check. If you roll high enough, point to the die and say, “See, I was right!”
Sometimes, we get into a situation where one-on-one combat is the only way to solve the issue. Roll your die, and if you roll high, you point this out to your adversary, telling them they must yield or lose more hit points.
See? Fun!
Goal
You’re not lucky, and God doesn’t help people like you.
If you didn’t relate to this post, then your just fucking lucky and you should remember that gratitude isn’t just shit going your way.