Meditation for December 15th
Zodiac Christmas Gift Guide
Have a person in your life that you don’t know what to buy? This guide will help you pick the perfect gift by using the complex science of astrology.
Aries
This Child of War wants super-tight, form-fitting workout pants and brightly colored New Balance cross-fit shoes. An Aries doesn’t have any discipline to work out, but they want to look like they do.
Taurus
All Tauruses want to do is drink tea out of a nice homemade mug, staring out a window at the falling rain. This will require a huge, baggy, puffy sweater, one with big buttons. Any gift that lets them stay inside their homes in depressed isolation will do nicely.
Gemini
These twins want the best possible gadget phone. Give them one of those explosive phones or a year-long membership to that note-taking app that lets the company access the notes you write down. Stick a headband on the phone and tell them it’s a hat phone. Geminis are suckers that way.
Cancer
All Cancers want is cookbooks. The American Cancer Society struggles with kitchens and how to use them. They put milk in the bowl before the cereal. They need a book with step-by-step instructions on how to cook food.
Leo
A Leo needs jewelry and other shiny objects to have their love bought. The glossier the better.
Virgo
A Virgo needs a day planner. Without the help of a day planner, Virgos will fuck up their entire day by accidentally spending five hours in a mall or showing up to everything a day late. Help a Virgo manage their day, get them a day planner. Electronic versions are beyond a Virgo’s capabilities, so stick with paper.
Libra
A Libra needs a bar of soap. If the Libra doesn’t get a bar of soap for Christmas, then that Libra won’t bathe for the year.
Scorpio
Scorpios are the biggest perverts of the zodiac, so lingerie, sex toys, or a goat will be a great gift for these sex addicts.
Sagittarius
Uhauls are an excellent gift for the Sagittarius because you want them to move the fuck away from you.
Capricorn
Capricorns love the feel of other people’s skin on their skin. So go out to “that” part of town, buy yourself a nice, pretty professional girl, kill her, and then skin her and give that skin to your favorite Capricorn. Think of it as a sacrifice so that your Capricorn can stop imagining your skin as a trench coat.
Aquarius
Aquarians will fall for any new ag, the mesmerizing new fad that becomes popular. Get them a cupping or a massage done by thousands of millipedes. Idiots.
Pisces
These fish are easily placated. Just buy a star and name it after them. Hahahaha!