I haven’t drunk alcohol in over 20 years. I can’t remember the taste of anything. I can slightly remember the burn and satisfaction of liquor, but truth be told I would sound like Steve Carell’s character in 40-Year Old Virgin explaining boobs trying to put words to what gin, tequila, rum, whiskey or vodka tastes like.
I have a sad story about beer. The second to last beer I ever drank was oatmeal stout. It was creamy and rich and I loved it. The last beer I ever drank was after blacking out and coming to at a party in Beaverton at a Winterhawks hokey after game party and in my hand was a Bud Dry. Fucking disgusting.
I have compiled a beer guide that helps me when I serve beer at work. I am a non-drinking bartender and sometimes patrons want to know what I think about certain beers, so here is a guide I compiled that helps me and maybe will help some of you out there.
Coors Light: This is a shitty beer. Usually when someone asks for this I will peek over the bar and see what kind of shoes the person is wearing. Dudes usually have white sneakers and want something to chug that won’t weigh them down. Chicks like the slimming properties and won’t be embarrassed not really know what the taste is.
Deschutes Brewery’s Mirror Pond: The Coors Light of micro brews.
Guinness: A Coors Light for St. Patrick’s Day and soccer matches. Sometimes with a shot of Irish cream floating on Jameson’s Irish whiskey which is dropped into the Guinness for cultural sensitivity to Irish history.
Stella Artois: Belgium Coors Light.
Heineken: Dutch Coors Light.
Corona: Coors Light that is served on Cinco di Mayo and usually served with a lime. Corona is becoming more popular at bars and is taking jobs away from local beers.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Ironic Coors Light.
Olympia/Rainier/Hamms: Coors Light that used to be made in the Pacific NW, but is now made in the upper Midwest. Boo.
Tecate: Coors Light with a little more character.
Most Micros: Not Coors Light.
I hope this guide was helpful.
Thanks David, that was extremely helpful.