I’ve been out of the hospital two whole days now and stayed at my parents’ house. Tomorrow I go back for another chemotherapy session. It’s almost 8:30 and I’m exhausted. I mean that after I write this I will probably go to sleep. I don’t feel like me anymore. This doesn’t feel like my body. […]
Well it looks like I’ll be leaving the hospital today. I’m just waiting for some take home medications and paperwork. Leaving the hospital just opens up the “what if …” part of the brain. I haven’t felt this much fear and uncertainty in 20 years. I’ve almost always known that everything is going to be […]
It all started at 2pm while I was at work at Slabtown when I started getting chest pains. At first I thought I had pulled a muscle, but the pain started to intensify and it started to spread around my left side and my back. It became more and more intense as the minutes went […]
I haven’t drunk alcohol in over 20 years. I can’t remember the taste of anything. I can slightly remember the burn and satisfaction of liquor, but truth be told I would sound like Steve Carell’s character in 40-Year Old Virgin explaining boobs trying to put words to what gin, tequila, rum, whiskey or vodka tastes […]
Dry lightning is lighting up the western sky and every time I think I should head to bed a line of electricity crackles across the night. I haven’t seen dry lightning in western Oregon in a long time, it almost seems like I’m somewhere else. My grandmother died earlier tonight. She was 103. To be […]
I love the World Cup. It’s one of the best sport tournaments in the world. Whole countries practically shut down during the month every four years while they play to make it for the cup. I like soccer. It’s not my favorite sport, but I like a good match. I love the World Cup and […]
There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love go through excruciating pain. Physical pain isn’t fun, but it is the emotional and psychological pain that is really painful. I want to fix it. I even want to take the pain for myself. The powerlessness of not being able to do anything is frustrating. […]
I read fantasy books. Yes, I like books with swords, wizards and dragons in them. I used to be quite the literary guy, but after awhile I was just reading books about people like me going through things that I go through too. I need books to be an escape from my reality. Non-fiction is […]
The fact that I don’t have the things to say to make a person just relax and give up all the negative emotions that have been his or her driving force has given me a great sadness. There is no magic in my words, just timing. I’ll just keep saying stuff until the right time […]
On February 12th, 2014 I will have gone twenty years without drinking or doing drugs. In nine days I will have gone two decades without trying to kill myself and hating the way I feel sober. I’ll have committed to something longer than I’ve ever committed to anything. It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I feel […]
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