The Indifference of Stars

It seems that this blog just isn’t putting out the content that I would envision. I sit and stare at walls thinking up great ideas that could someday sit here and entertain my readers, but I won’t stop staring at the wall, I think about how I’m so tired, too sad, or empty to create. 

Write what you know, they say, and I know me, but the problem with me is that it involves other people who may not like having the light of their lives on someone’s blog where they can’t explain themselves or feel embarrassed at being there at all. Family and other close people pointed out that they aren’t too excited to be written about. So I really can’t write what I know without shining the light on others. 

I’m adopted and recently have gotten in touch with my biological family. This affects the biological family members and my adoptive family. 

I’m married and sometimes we go through a lot. While she says it’s fine to write about it, I’m sure that sometimes it doesn’t put her or our relationship in the best light.

In the past, I have written freely about the people in my life and didn’t think about the consequences of mentioning certain people. In a lot of cases, a lot of readers don’t know these people, but there are a few that do. It isn’t fair to them to have their lives splashed across someone’s blog. 

The issue though is that other people affect me profoundly. My family, my spouse, friends, institutions, and even strangers. They shape me and who I am. They are the joys and challenges in my life. 

I have outlets to talk about these things, so this isn’t my only way to express myself; I have friends and a therapist. It is just that these are the things I love writing about life. My life is full of people that I’m close to. My life is full of people I love and cherish. My life is full of people that hurt me and make me mad. My life is meaningless without the people in it. 

So how can I write about my life without bringing up the people in my life? It is nearly impossible. It certainly is not worth writing about. 

I have a lot I could write about right now. Life has been a struggle. I am dealing with health stuff, shining a light on the dark crannies of the past, the drama of open relationships and struggling with sexuality, coping with mental illness, and sobriety, finding out more about my origins, and all while working at a job that is sucking my soul dry. 

It has made loneliness settle in and creep into my mind. I start to feel different and separate from the people around me. I get back to that feeling of looking in through a window at my communities from the outside. If it weren’t for a few close people and a therapist, I don’t know how I would have gotten through this year. 

This all ties to my last blog about not finding or feeling that creative energy. I have lost a part of myself that has made me feel so mundane and sad. I don’t know what to do. 

This is just me trying to find something to write about without hurting others. This is me trying to cut through the fabric of the cosmos for inspiration. I need a spark. 

Some asshole said that it’s in the darkness we find the light, so it better not be a goddamned train.