In the summer of 2020, I lived with my wife and dog in a cherry orchard on the eastern slope of Mount Hood, and I wrote, drew, and designed a tarot deck. After sketching out the ideas of the cards, I wrote a book that has the Fool’s journey interact with the rest of the 77 cards in a somewhat linear story. My wife got me an editor, Micah Allen, for my birthday, who helped me give the right kind of life and voice to the story – something I am very proud of.
I named it the Infinite Fool Tarot.
In the summer of 2021, my wife, dog, and I moved from the land of volcanoes and earthquakes to the smallest state of Rhode Island to start to grow roots. While here, I have tried to finalize my art for the tarot cards, but I have found the move, the job, and everything else challenging to the creative process.
A dog bit off about a quarter or more of my right thumb, my dominant hand, at the beginning of July 2023, which put the idea of writing, drawing, and creating art on hold and a mystery if it would ever be possible again. My thumb is healing, and I have learned to type with the right hand again, but drawing is still far away.
I want to finish this tarot deck and book and publish it, for it has a unique perspective on the cards and something that would help anyone delve deeper into understanding the Tarot in a way that can be useful for reading the cards, using them for introspection and meditative purposes, and an extraordinary journey that hopefully resonates.
I have always wanted to make my own Tarot deck. I have always loved the art and the symbolism of the cards. I loved the idea of an ancient sub-conscience language that the cards represent to the viewer. I love the historical and religious stories woven into the decks’ evolution. I have always felt that I had a voice to share in the cards, something that was unique but familiar. It has also been a great way to sharpen my foggy brain.
I was diagnosed with cancer in 2014, put through several rounds of intense chemo, two surgeries, and diagnosed again after finding out that a different kind of cancer was hiding under the initially diagnosed one, and had more treatments. Now we find ourselves with a questionable blood test, and I will have to have another blood test in October to see if it has gone down or if I am facing more battles with the big C. After the intense treatments of cancer, I have walked out foggy, traumatized, anxious, and stuck in my head. I am not who I was before cancer; sometimes, I don’t recognize myself.
Creativity had been in my life, but it felt like cancer took much of that away. I grieve the death of my imagination like I grieve the death of a close relative. I feel a burning in the bottom of my gut and a lump in my throat when I stare at a blank screen or canvas. There isn’t anything there but terror.
The first practice I tried to do to get me heading in the right direction was the Cracked Pot Meditations, a funny fake meditation for 365 days. I challenged myself to create something funny about the world of self-help, recovery, and new-age spirituality daily. These have remained unedited and under the Meditation tab.
We moved to the other side of the mountains, where the high desert meets the Columbia Gorge, and I had lots of free time. The pandemic hit, and we were isolated. I had a part-time job at a farm and ranch store, but there was still a lot of time on my hands, so I decided to put pen to paper and start drawing. What came out is this Tarot deck, the Infinite Tarot.
The original idea was the Fool being an old man. Of course, a young man is a fool; I know I was. The excuse is there isn’t any life or mistakes to learn from yet, but an old man would have had ample time to learn from life’s experiences and change the course of his actions, but in the case of the Fool, he hasn’t. He chooses to drift with the wind and forget everything he has ever learned. An old man is repeating the same mistakes over and over.
In the card, we find the Fool walking blissfully unaware down a slope on the side of a mountain. He delicately holds a lotus flower out from him and a bindle with all his worldly belongings over his shoulder. He walks towards the edge of a cliff where the very fabric of reality is ripped open. A fox is either warning him or trying to push him into the abyss.
He will fall into the mist and find himself in another world where he must travel and meet different characters and creatures that maybe remind us of historical, mythological, or religious characters in our world. We travel with the Fool and as the Fool. While the journey is linear in some ways, it can be read in any order you see fit, perhaps the way the cards are randomly laid out.
The Fool also has an adventure with two minor arcana cards in each major arcana card. The number of the major arcana decides these; i.e., the Magician will have two aces while number eleven Strength will have two other Aces. We could make up different stories of the Fool going from one card to another, but infinity is too many options for one book, but I hope these stories inspire the reader to continue the journeys.
The Fool is very similar to more traditional Tarot cards. It has the Fool walking over a precipice into the unknown, and a familiar leaping to the Fool’s aid, either in warning or pushing the Fool into the abyss. Some Fools are going right; some are going left. Some are more nicely dressed, while others are the vagabond I chose to draw. The animal is wild in some cards, and others look like a pet dog, but both knowingly interact with the Fool.
While the Fool as a name brings up more negative meanings like an idiot, this card is powerful because it is zero. It is the blank slate of an impending journey—a new beginning. The Fool is also innocent; you don’t know what is beyond that precipice other than that the first step will be a doozy. There is hope instead of fear of that unknown step, and we can listen to the fox yelp all we want, but nothing will work out if we don’t take that giant step toward the journey.
The Fool is blissfully unaware of the perilous obstacles that may cross his path, but for the lesser person, this is enough to stop a person in their tracks from making the journey at all. We can pretend to know what will happen because of what we imagine, and fear is essential to protect us from harm, but fear can make us immobile. As Frank Herbert famously said, “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Sometimes being too bright keeps us from blissfully walking over precipices into the unknown. There is optimism in being the Fool. In the card, the Fool has a serene and dumb look as he takes his next step. His shoulders are back because he walks with false confidence. He isn’t thinking about all the wrongs of the world or the wrongs enacted on him; he is just unafraid.
The colors and shapes on the right side of the card are to bring to mind the esoteric engraving, the Flammarion, where an alchemist is sticking his head through the fabric of reality and seeing beyond where the earth and the sky touch and seeing what might be heaven or our sub-conscience. This has always been the goal of the wise, to get beyond the known and see what is beyond that. We must push the boundaries if we are ever going to learn about ourselves.
The Fool doesn’t know he is on this journey, but life doesn’t care if the wanderer is knowingly or unknowingly lost; it just presents what it presents, and we either learn or retreat further into ourselves.
A friend was told that she shouldn’t be dating someone because of where she is in life. She needs more time alone, and he might not be a good fit for her or some other rules. I responded as a Fool; it is better to have than to have not. A wise man sits in a cave away from life, judging it, and a Fool wanders and experiences life. Love is always a journey, and it hurts, but denying it is denying life’s very essence.
The Fool will travel to this strange land and learn something from his different experiences, but when you read these experiences, they can help you learn something. Maybe it will be a complete lesson and inspire you; it will perhaps be one of many things that will help you on your life’s journey.
I will publish these cards and this book someday and hope one person gets something great out of it. A Fool will learn they only have two choices: Love and Fear.
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