Monday of Labor Day here in Rhode Island became a torrent rain storm that flooded the streets and even demolished a building. The rain was so refreshing after so many days of just hot humidity. It feels like walking through an old oven. Even sitting on the beach, the sun just cooks you and the sand reflects the sun back at you. The water in the ocean is warm so it almost isn’t refreshing. The rain made me miss Oregon.
Last July is our one-year anniversary of living in Rhode Island. We have watched the seasons go through their cycle and now we are watching them happen again. The one difference is that there have not been any hurricanes yet this year. Just one 36-hour downpour.
I like it here. There is something about Providence that reminds me of Portland, but different in a way that makes it exciting to try and discover. It is small enough where you start seeing people you know in places, but big enough to offer those big city perks. There is also a very European feel here when you walk along the river and see people just sitting outside and watching the river go by.
There is a place called Plant City and they sell overpriced vegan food and the workers there aren’t nice. I call that place Little Portland.
Nicole and I have been putting offers on houses, but have just been beat by one or two other people. It isn’t that the other person is offering a lot more money than us, it is just that they are buying the house with cash and waiving inspections. It feels gross that these New York and Boston people are just able to buy a house with cash and not worry about the foundation or the roof. This makes trying to buy a house unfair.
We want a home and we know we want the home here in Rhode Island. We both feel like this is home to us.
This is also my anniversary of cancer. I was diagnosed with cancer on September 4th, 2014. I am now in remission. I will have to keep going to the oncologist and get scans annually anyway. I will have to walk in and get blood work and go back and forth through a giant ring with iodine pumping through my veins in hopes that the cursed C word hasn’t come back.
Last year when I was going through all the regular check-in, I asked to see if my fatigue, chronic pain, and ongoing issues are a result of something other than the treatment from cancer, and they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Their best guess is the chemo and surgeries for treating cancer have lasting effects.
I started seeing a therapist this week. It has been years since I’ve seen one. Some of the reasons are that I feel so much anxiety all the time which has become exponentially worse after cancer.
Every September I think about that day I walked up to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack.
It’s the same day I quit smoking. I miss cigarettes still. Most of me doesn’t want to smoke, but there is always a devil on my shoulder that is saying that it would be so cool to puff. I see guys posted up on street corners smoking cigarettes and I rage with jealousy. It’s not enough to have me throw away my health though. I can look back fondly on the years I spent with cigarettes and know that I’ve smoked enough.
Cigarettes are always my buffer between any worse ideas.
It is also the ten-year anniversary of the website. I have kept up, fairly regularly, a blog. I have written about what an emotionally stunted dude I am, I have chronicled my adventures with cancer, I have written a year’s worth of meditations, I have created a tarot deck, I have written poems and short stories, and even made a comic book on this website. I even wrote about a taco place and people sent me death threats.
I can’t help but be proud of what I have done. I get down on myself for not putting more “content” up. I have thought of a lot of projects that I have wanted to put on here and never have. I keep beating myself up for not editing my previous posts even after reading them again and seeing all the mistakes. I regret not creating anything to buy.
I know people read it. I get a few hits here and there. Mostly it is the Time I Was Almost A School Shooter that gets the most reads. Some of my Cracked Pot Meditations get read because they were accidentally found on Google. Some days there are no readers.
It’s been hard since I moved to RI and creative. I have sat down at this computer many times thinking I have a great blog to post and I write a few lines, hate what I’ve written and then I watch TV instead. My job feels like it is squeezing any soul I have in my mind out and leaving me with an empty husk. I wish so much to be able to create again.
Every year when I pay my yearly dues to keep the website I think either of scuttling the website or finally getting off my ass and creating a great website showcasing my talents and creativity. I draw, I paint, I write, I have great ideas, I design, and I have so much that just won’t go from my brain to the world.
I wonder what complete strangers who have never met me think of me after reading my blogs.
Next month will be my life anniversary. I’ll be 46 years old. I’ll be in my late 40s. Practically 50. Nearly dead of old age. Also, time is going too fast.
I’d love to promise great things this next year for this blog, but I won’t.
I get quite a few email newsletters these days, and often I do not read them. But something about your style…makes me want to read your writing. I easily identify with what you write. Thank you for your honesty and straightforwardness.
i love you D