Speedball of Emotions

I couldn’t find the quote where it says that if you try to protect yourself from sadness you will protect yourself from happiness. This is the perfect quote for where I am today. I sit at the precipice of something amazing and something terrifying.

Nicole & I are buying a house here in Providence, Rhode Island. This is why we moved here. This is why I had to leave everything I knew, to realize a lifelong goal of building a home. We are closing on the 17th. We can move in immediately after that.

We put offers on several houses before this house. We got beaten by people who could pay cash, who could afford to skip inspections, by people who could give more. We had to imagine ourselves in these houses, imagine where things would go, imagine where Rufus would hang out, but then we would get a text from our realtor that they went with someone else, that it was a difference of cash versus our bank load, that it was because we wanted the house inspected before dropping that kind of investment on a home, or some other step that people richer than we have access to. We thought of giving up. 

We were seeing the rising interest rates, and people were saying that we should wait till the housing market dives. We aren’t buying a house to flip or for investment reasons. We are buying a home to make a home. 

We want to have somewhere to land. We want somewhere that can’t easily go away like a rental. We want to not worry about rising rents. We want housing security. I want to have friends and family come over and share our home with us. 

It is scary of course. No more relying on landlords when things break. We will have to make our dollars stretch. Our relationship is anchored to this house. 

This is why you must be careful getting what you want.

I am so excited and anxious about this move – hopefully the last move for a long, long time – and I am in awe of it happening. We’ve had to wait a long time between our offer getting accepted and this Thursday when we get the keys. We have just been sitting there knowing we are buying a house, but we can’t go to the house. Our bank called my wife on Friday to say congratulations on the loan going through, and we were like, you mean there was a chance that it wouldn’t? 

A few weeks ago I went to an annual check-up with an oncologist. He said I didn’t have to do a CT scan and just needed to do a blood test. He said that if the blood work came back good, I would just have to see him one more time for another blood test and a CT scan, and if those were good, I’d be done. I would be free.

The blood test didn’t come back well. My alpha-fetoprotein came back high. Last year it was 8.9 ng/ml and now it is 10.3. This usually signifies the return of cancer. The opposite of free.

The oncologist is having me do another blood test a month after the first test, so the week of Thanksgiving, and judging how that test comes back will dictate the next steps. Are we going to have to look for where it is? Am I going to have to do chemo again? Is surgery necessary? Can I afford to miss work? 

The first time I had cancer I was in Oregon. I was surrounded by family and friends. I was plugged into my community. People came from all over to help me get through one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I was carried.

Now I am thousands away from there. I am the new guy here. I am still plugging myself into the community. It’s hard to not feel alone. 

Then Nicole’s uncle passed away the next day from cancer. A loud clang of the reality of our mortality. It was deafening. There has been a lump in my throat since. 

I visited Oregon last week. It was so nice to be with my family and see some friends. I even visited a friend who was going through her own cancer scare and facing some pretty harrowing medical procedures. All we can do is laugh and know that we just have to show up and do what the professionals say. It’s not the treatment or cancer that gets you, it’s the waiting and the advice of non-cancer people that does. You have to sit there waiting for doctors to get back to you and people are telling you about vitamins and positive thinking. 

So I am buying a house and waiting to find out if I have cancer again. 

To protect myself from the terrifying fear of dealing with cancer again is making the joy and excitement of buying my first house numbed. I don’t want to dwell in the dread that I feel. I want to just be numb until I can actually know facts. The waiting is excruciating. I also want to concentrate on the new house. I am literally seeing a dream come true, but I have to have the dream along with a nightmare.

So I am going to be angry, anxious, and sad about the health and joyful and ecstatic about the house.