Meditation for March 28th
Birthdays
It is my dad’s birthday. He will stare out at the ocean and contemplate the mysteries of life. Birthdays are a great time to look back at where you came from and take stock of your life now. People from all over the world do cleansing and intentional rituals on their birthdays. A birthday is a time to purge bad juju. Birthdays are a milestone in one’s life. We were born at the exact time the planets, stars, and moons were in exact placement to create your prophecy, and now you can reflect on whether you achieved that revelation or not.
You probably haven’t. Reincarnation is continually living life after life until you complete your star destiny. Once you fulfill your prophecy, then you can finally become celestial and get some rest, but more than likely, you are stuck infinitely in Samsara.
Birthdays are a great time to compare yourself to others your age. I like looking at all my general colleagues and seeing what I don’t have compared to them. Some things bum me out, like a fulfilling career, passion for something, ambition, time, and money. Other things make me happy, like not having any kids.
It is also a good time to reflect on those who didn’t reach your destination; some people are now dead. They will no longer celebrate birthdays because they have died. Dead people don’t eat cake. They don’t, and so a surprise party would be inappropriate. The dead don’t get surprised.
The day of your birth anniversary is also a great day to make it a day for you. It is the one-day a year you ca,n really be t, he sel, fish narcissistic needy insecure person you really are. Demand cake and pretend to read your birthday horoscope out loud, ironically, but really, you are making people listen to a reading about you. You can get really upset if someone doesn’t make enough of a deal about it on their birthday.
AA people are so sensitive that they call their sober anniversaries birthdays.
Prayer
St. Anne,
It is five minutes before my birthday party starts, according to Facebook.
Why didn’t anyone wake up early and ask for help?
I’m really bummed I had to uninvite Carl.
Only because he aAndVera just broke up,
and Vera Ibutike, my best friend,
But CaButis is such a nice guy,
But I don’t want any drama at my party.
I don’t know that anyone threw me a surprise party.
Only people who are really loved get surprise parties.
I HEAR A CAR!
Oh, it’s just the neighbor.
I’ll put out some bowls of Bugles with the spinach dip.
I HEAR A CAR!
I don’t recognize Subaru… oh, they won’t turn around.
It’s now five minutes after, and no one is here yet!
DOES NO ONE LIKE ME!?!
AM I GOING TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY ALONE?!?
AM I JUST DOOMED TO GETTING OLD ALONE AND PATHETIC?!?!
AM I JUST A WASTE OF A FLESH BAG!?!
I HATE MYS…
Hello?
Come in!
Can I get you a jacket?
Oh, thank you, that is very sweet,
hold on the door again…
St. John of Egypt
It’s my birthday today.
I am turning __It’s years old.
I know, I don’t look it.
Yes, I am an Arie,s
How didn’t you know?
Oh, you just knew by how I was acting?
I guess I am a natural about Aries.
Tell me more about what an Aries is like.
I do do that!
That too!
Wow!
That is all exactly right!
That is uncanny how spot on my horoscope is!
Oh, every year I do the same thing.
Yup, I make a big deal about it every year.
I know, right?
Aries life.
#arieslyfe
I was born in the year of the Ox.
Really?
I am like that!
Seriously!
That is too close!
Tell me more!
That is interesting, I like that!
Yeah!
I really don’t like change!
Weird, you think that I wasn’t on an Aquarian moon?
Oh, I guess I do that.
That would make sense.
I have no idea what time I was born.
I’ll have you if I can find out!
Had you done my star chart?
That would be so cool. You’d hear that much about me!
I love it when people ask me questions,
Instead of talking about themselves.
It’s my birthday,
so I’m going to tell more.
Amen.
Horoscopes
Every sign has a different view on birthdays, so let’s take a look, shall we?
Aquarius – The Aquarian won’t tell you it is their birthday, but they won’t give you a bad time that you didn’t notice. If they do a celebration, it shouldn’t be weird or nontraditional. They like the idea of scuba diving, of spearing an octopus and then having it taxidermied for a birthday afternoon. They will also ignore your birthday even if they are at your party.
Virgo – Yes, they are the ones that end up getting too drunk and punching a police horse in the face, but then talking their way out of jail. The Virgo is a vain one, so they like being somewhere that they can be seen, such as taking a shower or trying on bathing suits. Virgos will never thank you for taking them out for their birthday. They are really rude.
Capricorn – These Capricorns are the ones who throw their own parties and criticize everyone else for making it suck. They will get mad that you aren’t happy with every person who was invited. They don’t want to know that there is anything that makes the party not the best. Then the Capricorn comes to your party and just talks about how much better their party was.
Aries get-togethers – we’ll have a get-together, but then something won’t be right, so they become tense and sullen and try to go home. They then eat a tub of vanilla bean ice cream mixed with peanut butter while crying to nature movies. Aries tend to be moody about how old they are becoming.
Gemini – Ah, the Gemini smiling while they shake your hand and thank you for coming to the birthday celebration, then tells another friend that they were really pissed that you were there, and the smile never changes. Gemini’s don’t even believe it’s Gemini’s birthday. Most Geminis don’t believe it’s a Gemini’s birthday.
Pisces – Crying in the corner because they are getting old and haven’t done anything in their life yet. And someone hasn’t shown up, and boy, do they notice. They also didn’t realize that no one seemed to like the homemade hummus they’d spent all day making. Someone needs to leave early; the party is ruined. Might as well never have invited anyone over at all.
Taurus – The bull is never satisfied with the gifts they get for their birthday. They sit around waiting for someone else to plan a party for them. They will show up with a blaze attitude, which is just the fact that they are trying not to show that they are so scared that the party was actually put together to kill them. They aren’t wrong.
Cancer – IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 10 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 9 DAYS. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 8 DAYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 7 DIT’S IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 6 DAYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 5 DIT’S IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 4 DIT’S IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 3 DIT’S IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 2 DAYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 1 DAY. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY IN 365 DAYS!
Leo, it’s the Leo who will have birthdays thrown at their feet by all their loved ones. They mainly sit on a throne and are celebrated and worshipped for their confidence and their active drive to throw activity-driven parties for themselves, like bowling or mini putt-putt. When the party gets going, you will find the Leo washing dishes, exhausted from hosting.
Libra – Ask what a Libra wants to do for their birthday, and they will shrug their shoulders; They aren’t being coy, they don’t know. They don’t know anything. They are too stupid to decide what cereal to eat. Don’t let a Libra go swimming alone or stand in the water because they will drown from being so dumb. Libras are literally the dumbest sign ever, and they make up 66% of all birthdays.
Scorpio – Is this going to be a surprise party? No, just a work meeting. Ah, this is going to be a surprise party then! No. It’s just a lunch break. Is this a surprise party? Everyone is clocking out and going home. Hello, surprised and I’m sooo surprised! Hello? Anybody there? Meow. Oh, you must want to be fed. Is this a surprise party? No. I’m just in the bathtub drinking white wine out of a plastic Solo cup and watching Girls on my iPad. No one remembered my – – – AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!! I’M NAKED IN THE BATHTUB! You guys surprised me all right!
Sagittarius – No one knows a Sagittarian.
Goal
Birthdays aren’t really that special. You didn’t do anything, weren’t you born? You were just against your will, and now you are here. All you did was stay lucky and stay alive, big deal, you stayed alive, big deal. Make the birthday party about your parents; they made you, even if you didn’t have a choice.
The Satan worshippers’ favorite holiday is their own birthday, which is a celebration of self.