Meditation for March 8th
Broken Picker
In this age, we stress meeting a person to date. We use dating sites, go to the gym to get healthier and maybe meet someone, and go to book readings and shows, hoping to find an active person to build a relationship with. Unfortunately, we meet someone nice at first, but they turn out to be a complete nightmare. If this becomes a pattern in our lives, keep dating terrible people, we might have a broken picker.
Here are some things that will help you over time:
Stop trying not to be like your parents.
That’s right. We always end up becoming like one of our parents, dating someone like the other parent. Sigmund Freud talks a lot about how we try hard to break that cycle, only to find failure in our relationships. If your parents are habitual gamblers, you will have to accept that you will be making a lot of trips to Vegas and keeping a lawyer on retainer.
Yes, you don’t want to date someone who looks like you.
Don’t try to deny that you look into every reflection you see. Humans are narcissistic by nature, and this is why we like being with someone who looks kind of like us. We want to make love to ourselves. I’m not talking about having everything in common; I’m actually just talking about physical similarity: marriages that have shared 20 years or more and have three or more physical resemblances. We hate ourselves, so once the honeymoon period is over, we will start to see ourselves in our partner and begin to resent them.
The pauper can never be with the prince.
Finances have such a strong impact on relationships. When one of them isn’t pulling their weight in the relationship, resentments begin to flare. A rich person should never be with a poor person unless the poor person is ten times or more better-looking than the rich person, but it is scientific proof that poor people are from less-than-adequate stock, so poor people cannot be attractive. Date in your tax bracket.
Sex is the only time two people should share a bed.
If you can’t have completely separate rooms, have two beds. Couples who share beds tend to absorb each other’s psychic filth. We were wondering why we hate the person snoring and farting next to us all the time. This is because we are literally swapping DNA in the middle of the night, and since it’s human to hate ourselves, we spread self-hate to the other, who turns on you, but can’t quit you. Bunk beds are awesome for bringing sleep and that special spark back in your relationship. 75% of couples that have separate bedrooms stay married for a heck of a long time, I’m guessing.
Creepy and pervy, not sexy and kinky.
After being with someone for a long time, the sex canon is nonexistent. A lot of couples make the mistake of trying to add kink to the bedroom (or kitchen, amirite?), with little or no success. It is hard to be kinky with someone you love and respect. So be pervy instead. It’s okay to smell each other’s underwear. Be bold and masturbate while they’re cooking spaghetti and don’t know you’re there. Just let go of your polite sex etiquette and let yourself be the shameful creep you really are with your partner.
Three wise men bring gifts of heartbreak.
There are three signs a relationship is heading for ruin: the idea of couples counseling. This means that the person suggesting it wants permission to end the relationship. 98% of couples who attend couples counseling break up. Next is the dance class. One always suggests that the two should do something together. Usually it’s a dance class. Other bad signs are gym memberships, a couple of book clubs, or constant scheduled dates. Too much fondue is a sure sign that a couple is breaking apart. The last sign is the open relationship. This is what comes when people who are too passive-aggressive to break things up, and they think it’s better just to have sex with other people rather than break up with the person they don’t like anymore. This never works. Ever. If you allow your partner to open the relationship up, you are just saying you don’t like yourself, and you would like to remember how you don’t deserve anything good in your life, you should totally be “ok” with it.
Water seeks its own level.
When we are sick and not practicing compassion and love, we attract others who are sick too, like the physical mirror above, which also attracts those who are in the same shit as us. If you are in darkness, you want someone to sit in the darkness too. If you are dramatic and full of shit, you will attract someone who is dramatic and full of shit, too. Maybe find someone who struggles to be a good person so you attract someone who is going to match your trying to be a better person, and that includes being a better partner, so maybe now is not the time to date someone… or fuck it, why not keep it exciting!
Cheating.
Don’t cheat. This means you are too hyperactive, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, to be in a relationship. You’re a young kid in their twenties who just can’t let a whole song play through and keep picking new songs so that only a minute to a minute and a half of a song play just for the ability to sit and be in the moment is too much for a young mind and just being with one person for longer than a couple of months seems like this impossible long time. It isn’t because of fear of commitment; it’s usually the fear of missing out, missing out on being known to be able to sleep with other attractive people, or just needing variety out of boredom. We are addicted to serotonin, so we love that first couple of weeks of dating someone new. Just don’t cheat. Cheaters are molesters hiding in sheep’s clothing.
Prayer
Eros,
I beseech you to interfere with the matters of my heart.
I keep finding these gorgeous people to date,
and everything starts off super swell,
But then it all falls apart.
First, I thought I had bad luck,
and then it was all the trouble of that gender,
But I thought it was I,
But that can’t be.
I want to meet a nice person,
Who isn’t going to?
Break into my computer,
open my mail,
talk abusively to my exes and friends,
break up with me, then gets back to together, breaks up with me and then gets back together, breaks up with me and then back together…
I want someone who wants to chill,
and isn’t super jealous all the time,
who trusts me,
who thinks I’m great,
Instead of great and the worst thing to stop them.
Cupid,
Stop shooting your arrows at these weirdos.
Why are only crazy weirdos interested in me?
Why am I attracted to those who want to be friends with me?
And I have to laugh at how these less-than people are assholes,
while I’m right here!
O great!
But they see this friendly, safe “friend”.
But not to be a bad boy,
But I keep just being nice.
I then assume it’s her fault that she doesn’t like me in that way,
and then I talk shit about her to her friends,
who then stops liking her,
and then she finds out and doesn’t want to talk to me ever again,
So then it completely backfires,
So I date one of the weirdos,
who then cheated me several times,
But I don’t want to be alone,
So I put up with it.
She says she loves me, and I forgive her,
Only to repeat next week,
But the week after that,
But one day, the old friend calls me,
and my girlfriend finds out,
so she throws my dog in the microwave…
So Cupid,
Stop with the arrows,
Maybe go to the eye doctor before coming back around.
Amen.
Craft
Relationship Resume
When courting or being courted by a potential mate, give them this form to fill out.
Full Name_________________________________________________________ Real Age_______________Birth City________________________________ Birth Religion___________________________________Education______________________Job___________________________ List of cities previously lived_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Previous Jobs _____________________________________ Criminal Record (misdemeanors as well please) ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Current and past hobbies ___________________________________________________________________
Sport team affiliations ______________________________________________________________________
Current religious belief _____________________________________________________________________
Do you want to get married ___________ Kids _________ Political belief _________________
Relationship References
Who ________________________ How long and when__________________________How many mini break ups ___________ Why did the relationship not work______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Phone Number__________________ Email ______________________
Who ________________________ How long and when __________________________How many mini break ups ___________ Why did the relationship not work____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Phone Number__________________ Email ______________________
Who ________________________ How long and when ___________________________ How many mini break ups ___________ Why did the relationship not work____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Phone Number__________________ Email ______________________
Have your potential partners fill these out. Look for a pattern in the three relationships. Did they do three relationships in a row for the same amount of time? Did they break up because they didn’t want to live with the past part? Are there any other deal-breakers for you?
Maybe fill it out yourself, and also share it with your potential beau.
Goal
Learn what we want in a relationship and what kind of person we want to date. Stop just taking chances with any old person who wants to also sleep with you. We are to wait it out alone until the right person comes along, but you should also note that you might be such a piece of shit that you might spend the rest of your life miserably alone or jumping from one forest fire relationship to the next till you are kind of old and gross. Attract people by acting attractive, not in looks, but by being a nice person who thinks once in a while.
Also, it’s okay to be alone, so stop trying to force a relationship when you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, in solitude.