So, this meditation I wrote recently is unlike most of the others I wrote in 2016. Yes, hearing that our government and military are using Christianity as an inspiration for war, I wanted to make fun of and belittle Christianity as much as possible. Below this, written in 2016, is a meditation written by Nicole Rizzo and is very funny, so hopefully, if you didn’t enjoy mine, you will enjoy hers.
Meditation for March 7th
Hell
Religions offer many rewards not only for believing in the dogma but also for leading an ethical life when the morals align with the religion’s codes. People want to be good and go to Heaven. People don’t want to miss out on being in harmony with their creator after they leave this mortal coil. This belief has helped humans deal with the grief and existential crisis of being alive for thousands of years. We want to know our loved ones are okay after they die. We want to know this was all for some bigger reason than living a short while and nothing afterwards.
Religions also offer punishments for not believing their dogmas, and this is commonly known as Hell. Whether it’s from refusing the existence of god, not picking the right god, ignoring the moral codes, or even not following all the rituals, Hell is where you go. The reward is nice, but the punishment is absolute terror. Christians believe that if you don’t believe in the Son, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity. They will say this after making a grandiose claim, like “God is Love.”
This permeates our Western culture dramatically. From Christian guilt to our fracturing societies along faith lines (even the Christians can’t agree on the same thing), Hell being where we will end up scares all of us, and makes it hard to scratch away the Fear to find communion with any Spiritual paths.
Here is the thing: there is no afterlife Hell. When we die, there is nothing, and you wasted your entire life trying to conform to things that don’t even make you happy, but the great Satan itself, Fear, has kept you from living your only life. There is a theory that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder didn’t materialize till the idea of Hell became mainstream. Imagine knowing that things not in their right place don’t mean you will be burnt for eternity?
When the spiritual world speaks of Hell, we are speaking, of course, about life. Being alive is Hell. This is where suffering is real, not some made-up afterlife punishment for being messy because Grandma had a doily that said, Cleanliness is Next to Godliness. God isn’t staring through the window while you masturbate and noting the number of times you have done it that day for when you are judged.
In fact, the whole reason we have war and capital punishment is that we believe that the just will die and go to Heaven, and the unworthy will go to Hell. We aren’t killing a criminal to scare other criminals; we are convinced that we are sending that person to Hell to a worse sentence than prison. We use Heaven & Hell to convince our military to kill the enemies and send them to Hell, but if they die for their country, they will go to Heaven. Unfortunately, dead is dead, and the real reason for the war was resources to be hoarded by the rich and powerful.
To be spiritual is to know that there is nothing after we die. No Heaven for believing the right stuff the right way, or Hell for believing in the wrong thing the wrong way. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, they say, and that speaks louder about the ridiculousness of the fire and brimstone that await the sinners.
Be here now.
Prayer
Hades,
Somehow, the Christians decided on all the Greek myths,
You are the one true thing.
No, Zeus throwing lightning bolts at stupid mortals,
No Poseidon ruling the sea,
Just the bad place souls go after they leave the body.
Some say Hell was actually the garbage dump outside the walls of Jerusalem.
Sometimes the poor would go there if they didn’t have money for a burial.
Some say that Hell is our minds,
And we need to stop being up there.
But if you are real,
And bad people suffer for eternity
I have a long list of people who would do well down there.
Amen.
Craft
A long-lost practice prevalent in Greek myths and the Old Testament is Xenia, or hospitality. If you read through the Greek myths, you will see several tales of Zeus getting all bent out of shape when one of his mortals or even fellow gods is denied xenia at someone’s home. Turns out, of all the sins and transgressions a mortal can commit, Xenia is second only to hubris.
In the popular bible story, Sodom and Gomorrah, God destroyed the two cities for committing wickedness. The Christians, of course, look at it as because of homosexual desires for the angels, because everything the Christians think of is gay, but in reality, it was because Lot was the only person in the city who provided the strangers hospitality, or Xenia. He went as far as to offer his own daughters to satiate the mad mob outside the door.
So here is what you need to know on how to accept guests in the Xenia fashion properly:
As a host, you must accept any stranger who knocks on your door. You must offer food, drink, gifts, a bath (or shower), and even provisions and safe passage out of your neighborhood. There is no time that you are allowed to ignore the knocking on your door to receive a guest. You should hold off on any questions, or even on asking them who the fuck they are, until they have finished the meal you have provided them. Anything that is yours is theirs in the mi casa is su casa, as they say.
As a guest, you have responsibilities as well. On top of being polite and not posing a threat to the host or property, you will have to offer news from the world and/or stories to entertain the host, and should the host need shelter in your home, you are duty-bound to accept them, no matter how inconvenient.
Goal
Don’t worry about Hell after you die; worry about the Hell now.
Below was written by professional witch Nicole Rizzo
3 Healing Crystals You Probably Don’t Know About and How to Use Them
Hello again. *digital bow* I join you this week to help you sink deeper into your healing rituals with three new crystals you probably haven’t ever even heard of. If you’re anything like me, you spend about 90% of your time healing yourself. This can leave very little time for much else, so in today’s edition of Cracked Pot Medications (LLC) I will be enlightening you on the subject of integrating extremely rare crystals into your mindbodychakra first aide kit.
Clear Quartz: The rarest of all healing crystals, clear quartz has sage-like cleansing qualities that can, nay, must be used at all times to keep your aura clear of any and all negativity. Many monks perform elaborate deep-woods rituals with clear quartz, but you can add them into your devastatingly stressful life of yoga and drinking a whole lot of water with ease by simply strapping a clear quartz to your forehead. Find a leather cord and hot glue the biggest clear quartz you can find to it. Tie it around your head, being sure to position the crystal over your fifth eye. The benefits will be clear to you when someone asks what the Hell is on your face, and you cooly respond with a dismissive remark about how it must be difficult for them to worry about what everyone else does all the time. Wear it every day, and never pick up on a bad vibe again.
Seagullfeatherite: An extremely refined crystal found only in the deep sands of New Jersey beaches, the long, fluffy Seagullfeatherite is possibly my favourite healing mechanism available. Well, actually, it is not available unless you belong to the right tumblr group. Start by sending in your application to jerseyshoreteenwitch.tumblr.com. Once you are accepted, order some Seagullfeatherite from username: salembitchtrials. You will be needing enough Seagullfeatherite to cover an entire human body. Begin by going to your favourite bar. Spend the night woo-ing a stranger and buying them drinks. When they seem sufficiently intoxicated, take them home with you. Repeatedly tell them that they look familiar. Make sure you say familiar as much as possible. Ask them about their wildest fantasy. Once they’ve told you, tell them that yours is to roll play a Merlin and Archimedes scenario. Ideally, they won’t know what that is, but they will want to go home with you because of your clear quartz head band. Continue to feed them drinks at your apartment until they pass out on your yoga mat. While they are passed out, glue as many Seagullfeatherites onto them as it takes to coat their entire nude body. Go to work, leaving a wizard’s hat, wizard’s staff, and thank you note on your bed next to them. Now you have a familiar! Your Seagullfeatherite’s energy will be infused into the person in question, and regardless of their free will, anything you wish will be cosmically transferred to them, and they will have no choice but carry out your wishes for as long as they live. HEALED.
Methamphetamite: High grade methamphetamite can be procured only from the most reputable shaman on the block. This beautiful crystal can come in a few different forms. It can be glass-like, powdered, or even sometimes a gorgeous gunk-like substance. For ultimate healing, you are going to want to ask around for a shaman who can give you the rarest form, icey methamphetamite. Known for it’s energetic powers, Methamphetamite will guide you in professional, home improvement, or educational endevours. You will need a charcoal incense burner. Using your athame, shave your icey methamphetamite into a powder over the glowing coals. Inhale the healing vapours as you chant your favourite mantra. The unmistakable healing powers of methamphetamite will be felt at once, rendering you impervious to any obstacles that get in your way in your efforts to paint every wall of your house into a mural depicting your wildest dreams. Don’t be afraid to perform this ritual every day. Ignore those who say your methamphetamite rituals are making you seem “high” or “sick.” They cant comprehend the depth of spiritual productivity you have tapped into.
Happy healing, meditatours! Until next time.
Nicole Rizzo is a seer with incredible knowledge of crystals & magiks. She was raised in Rhode Island & Massachusets where young women are encouraged to practice witchcraft. Nicole got a Science degree at a prestigious fancy-pizza-university. She now resides in Portland, Oregon reading tarot cards & listening to 96.3 KWLZ.
Thank you for your wisdom !