Cracked Pot Meditations – How To Have That East Coast Attitude

Meditation for October 11th, 2016

How To Have That East Coast Attitude

My girlfriend is from Massachusetts, and she is always yelling at me, at other drivers, at trees, at clouds and she yell snores when she sleeps. She now lives out here in the west coast where everyone whispers and draws out their vowels too long. 

Sometimes that uber laid back attitude does nothing for you and if you want to get things done quickly and have people scared of you because you are talking fast and loud. 

Dress

Stop dressing up like a slobby project. Things to burn: cargo shorts, scandals of any kind, visor, shirts with tribal or MMA references, pants with bejeweled butt flaps, sweat pants with words on the butt or up the leg, oversized sweatshirts, and anything that a Sublime fan would wear. 

Dress up for an occasion. If you are going out to a bar, wear a collared shirt and don’t wear a goddamned hat. If you are going to a symphony, don’t wear your favorite tie dyed Bob Dylan shirt and straw sun hat. If you’re going out to find companionship, dress it up. 

Language economy

Don’t hedge with a bunch of nonesense words. Say exactly what you want to say. Words like “like”, “I feel”, “kind of”, “in a way”, “sort of”, and anything else that takes away the ownership of what you are trying to say should be stricken from your vocabulary. 

On time is 10 minutes early

If you are supposed to be somewhere at 6:00pm, you show up at 5:50 at the latest. If you say you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, you show up. 

West coast people don’t even call to let people know they aren’t going to show up and if they do show up it’s seven hours late high on marijuana. 

Your hand say more than your words

Don’t just have your hands in your pockets stroking your vape pen and iPhone when explaining the traffic, pull your hands out and flail them all over the place to show us the traffic. 

Say it loud and don’t say your second Rs

No one can say anything loud enough. When you are explains your afternoon, you scream it. “I DWOVE MAH CAWUH TO DA HAWVAUAWD SQUAUAWE AND ATE MAH STEAK TAHTAH AND PAID WITH MAH CAWUH!”

In the west coast, we whisper what we are saying in a cloud of marijuana smoke. 

Catholic versus Weirdo Religion

Every single person that isn’t Jewish is Catholic while everyone in the west coast is either Mormon or Scientologists if they aren’t moon goddess worshippers. 

If you want that east coast attitude, you are going to need a guilt ridden shitty religious upbringing. 

Pick a nationality

On the east coast everyone is just one ethnicity. Just Italian, just Irish, just Canadian. In the west coat everyone knows all the different nationalities that make them up. 

“Hello, I am German, Welsh, Irish, Scottish, Dutch, German, Prussian, French, Portuguese, Cherokee, Comanche, Spanish, Azorian, a tad Basque, a smidge Flemish, a drop of Iroquois and a breath of Hapsburgian Macedonian.”

Just be one of those things, even if it is one of the smaller ones.