Meditation for March 10th
Religious Bandwagon
There are many different paths to finding a connection to a Higher Power. Some of us have a hard time finding the right path that works for us. As you might already know, some people think their religion is either the best one or the only one. Most religions base membership on missionary work and witnessing, so they go out and advertise what they have to offer.
Most people are just bandwagon religious. They wait till they see what is popular, what is easy to do, and what is better than other faiths. A long time ago, Christianity was almost a forgotten religion practiced by a few Jewish rug salesmen and some annoying Gentiles. Most of Rome still practiced pagan worship while soldiers coming home from foreign lands were bringing new faiths like worshipping Ba’al and practicing Zoroastrianism and Gnosticism, but because one Emperor had a panic attack about the slight possibility these little dirty hippies were right, asked the Christians to pray for him as he laid on his death bed uniting Christianity with the largest army and empire in the world. We could have been Zoroastrians instead.
Catholicism is a great religion to be a bandwagon fan of because it kicked a lot of ass to be a behemoth church. Catholic means universal; that’s how egotistical these guys are. They made up most of what people believe Christianity to be as they went, like a little kid making up a game of tag as he goes, except millions upon millions died doing it wrong. The Catholics have the best art, the best music dedicated to Her, their own city, a Pope, and the Swiss Guard, who dress up like candy strippers doing a part-time job at Hot Dog on a Stick to protect that Pope. A lot like a sports team with a lot of money buying free agents, Catholicism does a great job of taking cool rituals from pagans to make them its own. If you’re gonna hang your hat on something solid, the Catholic church is the way to go.
Right now, Buddhism is on the rise with white folk. It’s meditation centers, yoga studios, woo-woo bookstores, and teahouses that help make poor minority neighborhoods habitable for trust-fund hippies. The best thing about Buddhism is that you don’t have to follow any moral or ethical guidelines, but even better, you can make it up as you go! That’s right! Buddhism is completely about looking like you are Buddhist, or at least like a tattooed-up punk has been trying to do, and using Buddhism to sell books and seminars. What do you think I’m doing here? Even Siddhartha, sitting under the Banyan tree, opened his eyes in enlightenment and said, “All of this is nonsense, so I’m going to ride my fixy to the Ted Leo show.” You can say you’re doing it and actually do nothing at all!
Evangelical Christianity is a great place for boring scared people to circle the pick-up trucks and ward off “them” from burning the cross that is painted red, white, and blue. Fear is a big motivator for the American Christian. They don’t have to do anything because it is a sin of some sort. Evangelicals make up 25% of Americans, the biggest percentage of any of the religions found in America, yet they pretend to be the underdog and being attacked left and right. Jump into this group because you get guns, and you never have to reconcile your lifestyle with science. Remember, the Constitution is the book right after Revelations.
There are many other religions to choose from. Many other religions are a lot cooler than these three, but don’t quite get the numbers. Judaism has some very hard hoops to jump through to join them, Islam would have the government spy on you, Hinduism has some questionable caste system beliefs, and any other religion would be committing the appropriation sin.
Prayer
God,
I want to be right,
I haven’t been this happy in years,
The Pope is actually pretty cool.
I can forget the centuries of atrocities against man,
I can say, “I’ve grown up Catholic.”
It won’t be embarrassing anymore.
The Pope is cool enough that I can still be into traditional marriage, pro-life, and anti-birth control and still seem kind of hip.
We got great art,
especially by our Latin American brothers and sisters,
like those candles and crosses, right?
Maybe people will forget all the sex abuse that the thousands of priests perpetrated on little kids,
I mean, a few good songs make everyone forgive Michael Jackson.
Now the Pope is doing cooler things than Obama,
so can I tell my neighbor to suck it?
Padmayani,
Boy, am I sweaty from that yoga sesh,
Now it’s time to get to the bookstore,
and sell my book,
to people who desperately want answers,
and I seem to be the guy who has them,
with stretched earlobes and black-and-white tattoos.
This is a sweet gig, man.
I get to hook up with all these young punk chicks,
who look up to me like a teacher – and I am, because they love my meditation retreats.
Give me the strength to keep this serene shit up,
but still be punk rock enough
to keep selling these books,
and these hella expensive workshops.
Jesus,
Give me the power to aim this rifle
at the liberal non-believers ruining this country.
First, it’s Barack HUSSEIN Obama,
now it’s either Hillary Bitch Clinton or Bernie Jew Socialist Sanders.
Goddamnit,
This country is going to shit,
and these hippies keep getting their way.
I want the goddamn government to get off my back.
I want to believe in Jesus and shoot Mexicans as they climb over the wall.
I’m going to my church that takes place in a super mega building,
where the pastor flies in his helicopter to give us the good news,
that the end is near,
that I am a part of the last generation to be alive before we are raptured,
and Satan Himself will devour all these hippy schmucks,
and I’ll be by His side putting a round in the chamber.
Now, where is my unemployment check – I need more ammo.
Amen.
Craft
I call this being a tourist. A long time ago, I went to a Pow Wow in Eastern Oregon and watched as all these people were taking pictures of the dancers. This was a religious experience, and these people treated it like an interesting building in New York or a rare bird.
Go to churches dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, black socks, sandals, and a sun hat, and take pictures of everyone doing what they are doing. Point so your kids can see what’s so interesting when the pastor is yelling and praising, and the parishioners shout out “Amen” and “Hallelujah”. Say things like, “Wow”, “Well, would you look at that?” “This is very interesting, right?”
Ask questions as if you’ve never heard of Christianity before. “So your people worship this virgin birth by how?” Get them to tell you the story of their ancestors’ myths.
Get confused with other religions. Keep asking if Jesus is like Coyote.
Goal
Pick the best, baddest, biggest religion there is. Don’t be stuck with something that’s out of fashion in religion. When it comes to saving your soul and finding a Higher Power to help guide your meditation practices, it’s okay to jump on a bandwagon.