On January 11th, 2016, I started a daily practice of writing a joke meditation of the day called Cracked Pot Meditations. I was still recovering from the treatment of cancer, and I was having very challenging cognitive issues, so I chose just to put something simple and easy to write every day. Posting it to the blog allowed me to have some accountability. Some of those meditations were poorly written and unedited. I have gone back and begun editing these and adding an illustration, starting with the April 27th meditation. I hope you enjoy.
Meditation for July 30th
Some Stars Are Just &$%@ing Bad
If you’re like me, you wake up every morning and read the obituaries and the horoscopes. If I’m in the obituaries or my horoscope is bad, I don’t leave the house. Every decision I’ve made has been under the stars’ light.
You might be skeptical of horoscopes and the astrology sciences, but one time my horoscope said I’d run into some money, and that fucking day was payday! Dispute that, atheists!
Let’s face it, some of the stars aren’t shining down upon us so brightly. While the stars can highlight our positive sides, our generous nature, and our best face forward, there is a dark side. Every sign has a dark side where our negative character defects swirl in the universe, shining down and making us the biggest asshole we can be. Let’s look at each sign and see the evil side of the zodiac.
I name the star of each sign that is creating the evil part of us to shine through.
Aries
March 21st – April 19th
Star: HD 12661
Two gigantic gas planets are circling this star within the sign of the Ram.
It’s a terrible star.
It makes Aries really impatient and self-centered. They will demand everything to be on their timeline and about them.
It also makes Aries close-minded to anything the Aries doesn’t come up with or like, and does a great job swaying everyone to their way. A bunch of spoiled, rotten control freaks.
Aries will never fully be an adult. They will try, but will always need a mommy or daddy. Don’t date this person, or you’ll end up having to care for this child.
Taurus
April 20th – May 20th
Star: The Crab Nebula
Located on the right horn of the “Bull”, this nebula makes Tauruses’ real possessive misers. If they have something, they won’t share it.
This gas cloud makes Tauruses lazy when it comes to helping and volunteering, selfish and withholding when it comes to their stuff, and a real stubborn piece of shit when it comes to being right. They will always think that if something doesn’t directly affect them, it doesn’t matter.
Treat a Taurus like a matador and kill it because they are insufferable.
Gemini
May 21st – June 20th
Mekbuda is the star that makes these Twins real dummies. This bright star makes these duos super ADHD. They can’t stick with one hobby, nor can they stick with one personality. They will wear different personalities like a serial killer will wear other people’s skin.
Some reason this star makes the Gemini a jabber mouth who will endlessly puke on you about their real mundane lives. They talk like the part of the recipe you found online that you don’t read.
Get sound-cancelling earphones.
Cancer
June 21st – July 22nd
The double claw star of Acubens makes these crabs sensitive as fuck. That last sentence just caused thousands of Cancers to burst out crying while writing an angry letter about how offended they were. Please send your hate mail to:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC, 20500
This horrible star also makes Cancers a real treat to try and befriend because they are so goddamned into their comfort zone being perfect all the fucking time. Your comfort will be damned if the Crab needs the environment to adapt to their contentment.
Moody too.
Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd
The star Al Geiba is the asshole of this constellation. These lions spend their days looking in mirrors and making people do what they want with their cocksure charm. Every Leo was born with a borderline personality disorder.
Leo will do anything to get in the center of attention, even if it means getting negative attention. They are so shitty because of this star that they will ruin whole communities to make one person love them.
What a bunch of fucking clowns.
Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
Zeta Virginis is a fucking awful star.
These virgins are just going to judge you for not being a perfect as they are.
They also hate themselves for not being perfect enough.
So, while they might be judging you, don’t worry, they are judging themselves even harder.
They will also kill themselves over waking up 5 minutes late.
They are the most pessimistic bunch of crybabies of all the zodiacs. I wish they would just shut up and leave us alone.
Libra*
September 23rd – October 22nd
The planet Gliese 581 is a lot like Earth, except for the lack of God-awful Libras running around trying to make everyone happy all the time or spinning out of control into depression when they can’t.
The scales will never be able to make a decision ever. Don’t ask them to make up their mind. They will carefully weigh every pro and con of each decision, yet still not know what to decide.
This star also makes the Libra a real beauty queen, spending hours worrying about their looks.
Just leave the Libra and eat alone.
Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st
U Scorpii is such an asshole of a star that it blinks all the time. This makes Scorpios revengeful, catty little brats.
This star is heinous, and its devotees are no different. They also love to mind fuck, gaslight, and manipulate people.
A Scorpio is always on the downward spiral of depression and anger, so don’t even try to save one.
Get a pet wild tiger and bathe it.
Sagittarius
November 22nd – Decamber 21st
These know-it-all snobs will point out every mistake you are making. They don’t care who is listening.
This is because of the terrible star Gamma Sagittarii.
It also makes these saggy faces brutally honest to the point of hurting people’s feelings.
They also get bored easily and need things to get more and more exciting, or these assholes will just find new friends.
Get ready for a lot of eye rolling.
Capricorn
December 22nd – January 19th
Do not talk about your bad day to a Capricorn because they will top your bad day, even if they have to lie.
Omega Capricornii is a big dick star.
Capricorns will use and manipulate people to get what they want – even their own mothers. THEIR OWN MOTHERS!
They tend to focus on anything negative, especially when it comes to other people. They will point out each flaw that another person has. They will brag about their own flaws, but will not accept them in others. They will always have the most prominent scar or the worst story.
Smile and nod.
Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th
Oh, geez. How do I even start with these bastards? They love getting in the middle of things to “help”.
They pretend to be real, logical, and reasonable, but this is just a rationalization for being a self-righteous prick who judges all.
The star NGC 7009 also makes Aquarius super in their own heads, thinking about you on fire while they pretend to listen. You will now notice their creepy little faces when they look at you as you talk.
What a bunch of creepy weirdos.
Pisces
February 19th – March 20th
The completely dumb Van Maanen’s star has these spring fucks space cases. Don’t give these guys any weed, or they will go catatonic and groove to Phish.
Pisces are gullible idiots. They will fall for anything. That includes Phish.
They will just follow other people with dumb looks on their faces.
They’re like dogs.
Ophiuchus
November 30th – December 17th
This is the serpent bearer, and the people born under this sign are just evil fucks. They will literally skin you alive, wear your skin, and do impersonations of you as you bleed out.
In fact, people born between these dates have no redeeming qualities at all and should be avoided like the plague.
It is such an awful sign; it is left off most horoscopes.
But no matter what, you’re born under a bad sign.
*The author’s sign