Meditation for July 12th, 2016
Some Stars Are Just &$%@ing Bad
If you’re like me, you wake up every morning and read the obituaries and the horoscopes, if I’m in the obituaries, I don’t put on pants, and if my horoscope is bad, I won’t leave the house. Every decision I’ve made has been on the stars light.
You might be skeptical of horoscopes and the astrology sciences, but one time my horoscope said I’d run into some money, and that fucking day was payday! Dispute that, nihilists!
Let’s face it, some of the stars aren’t shining down upon us so brightly. Some stars are our good traits, some stars guide our life choices in careers, relationships and lucky numbers and there is that one star that is the reason you are a fucking asshole.
Aries
March 21st – April 19th
HD 12661
This star is being circled by two gigantic gas planets within the sign of the Ram.
It’s a terrible star.
It makes Aries really impatient and self-centered.
It also makes Aries closed minded to anything the Aries doesn’t come up with or like and does a great job swaying everyone to their ways. A bunch of spoiled rotten control freaks.
Aries will never fully be adults. They will try, but will always need a mommy or daddy.
Taurus
April 20th – May 20th
The Crab Nebula
Located on the right horn of the “Bull”, this nebula make Tauruses real possessive misers.
This gas cloud makes Tauruses lazy when it comes to helping and volunteering, selfish and withholding when it comes to its stuff, and a real stubborn piece of shit when it comes to being right.
Treat a Taurus like a matador and kill it because they are insufferable.
Gemini
May 21st – June 20th
Mekbuda is the star that makes these Twins real dummies. This bright star make these duos super ADD. They can’t stick with one hobby, nor can they stick with one personality.
Some reason this star makes the Gemini a jabber mouth who will endlessly puke on you about their real mundane lives.
Get earphones.
Cancer
June 21st – July 22nd
The double claw star of Acubens make these crabs sensitive as fuck. That last sentence just caused thousands of Cancers to burst out crying while writing an angry letter about how offended they were.
This horrible star also makes Cancers a real treat to try and befriend because they are so goddamned into their comfort zone being perfect all the fucking time.
Moody too.
Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd
Al Geiba is the asshole of this constellation. These lions spend their days looking in mirrors and making people do what they want with their cocksure charm.
Leo will do anything to get in the center of attention, even if it means getting bad attention. They are so shitty because of this star that they will ruin whole communities just to make one person laugh.
What a bunch of fucking clowns.
Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
Zeta Virginis is a fucking awful star.
These virgins are just going to judge you for not being a perfect as they are.
They also hate themselves for not being perfect enough.
They also will kill themselves over waking up 5 minutes late.
They are the most pessimistic bunch of crybabies of all the zodiacs. I wish they would just shut up and leave us alone.
Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd
The planet Gliese 581 is a lot like earth, except for the lack of God-awful Libras running around trying to make everyone happy all the time or spinning out of control into depression when they can’t.
The scales will never be able to make a decision ever. Don’t ask them to make up their mind.
This star also makes the Libra a real beauty queen, spending hours worrying about their looks.
Just go to eat alone.
Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st
U Scorpii Is such an asshole of a star that it blinks all the time. This makes Scorpios revengeful, catty little brats.
They also love to mind fuck and gaslight and manipulate people. This star is heinous and its devotees are no different.
A Scorpio is always on the downward spiral of depression and anger so don’t even try to save one.
Get a pet wild tiger and give it a bath.
Sagittarius
November 22nd – Decamber 21st
These know it all snobs will point out every mistake you are making. They don’t care who is listening.
This is because of the terrible star Gamma Sagittari.
It also makes these saggy faces brutally honest to the point of hurting people’s feelings.
They also get bored easily and needs things to get more and more exciting or these assholes will just find new friends.
Get ready for a lot of eye rolling.
Capricorn
December 22nd – January 19th
Do not talk about your bad day to a Capricorn because they will top your bad day even if they have to lie.
Omega Capricornii is a dick star.
Capricorns will use and manipulate people to get what they want – even their own mothers. THEIR OWN MOTHERS!
They just want to talk about anything negative, especially other people.
Smile and nod.
Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th
Oh, geez. How do I even start with these bastards. They just love getting in the middle of things to “help”.
They pretend to be real logical and reasonable, but this is just rationalization for being a self-righteous prick who judges all.
NGC 7009 also makes Aquarius’s super in their own heads and thinking about you on fire while they pretend to listen.
What a bunch of creepy weirdos.
Pisces
February 19th – March 20th
The completely dumb Van Maanen’s star has these spring fucks space cases. Do t give these guys any weed or they will go catatonic and groove to Phish.
Pisces are gullible idiots. They will fall for anything.
Hey just follow other people with dumb looks on their faces.
They’re like dogs.
Ophiuchus
November 30th – December 17th
This is the serpent bearer and the people born under this sign are just evil fucks. They will literally skin you alive, wear your skin and do impersonations of you as you bleed out.
It is such an awful sign, it is left off of most horoscopes.
But no matter what, you’re born under a bad sign.