Meditation for March 31st
Soul Stealer
Our bodies are our souls’ vessels, transporting them through our journey. It is our job to fill that soul with love, nurture, knowledge, and experience. A soul doesn’t like to be dormant, so a soul will give you that feeling that it’s time to move on and experience something else. Sometimes this helps us let go of things that are harmful to us or not very beneficial. The point is that the soul is one of the keys to cultivating an introspective life.
Unfortunately, therefore, there are dozens of ways a soul can leave the body. Death is not the only way. The body and the mind will go on, but there will not be any passion or “life in there”. The heart is what ties our desires to our rational mind; without it, we become irrational, leaving emotions to guide us, trusting our feelings, and letting irrational impulses lead us.
The camera. From the invention of the camera to today’s smartphones, the camera takes little chunks of our souls every time. If we take a “selfie,” we lose our souls for good. This narcissistic action is self-destructive; we are taking our own picture to prove we are better looking than God herself, and making it immortal with a picture or posting it on the internet. Our soul cannot exist when something is stuck in immortality like a photograph.
Using a selfie to attract potential mates on a dating site is a proven sign that a person has no soul left, so therefore cannot attract a soul mate, for how can you attract a soul mate when you have let go of your own soul? The attracted ones can find attraction only in each other, but it is purely physical and emotional. Your souls are locked inside your OK Cupid profile pic. A relationship without souls melding is not a relationship at all and is doomed to failure.
Another way area soul can be stolen is by a system being put in place for you to follow. That means a society, a religion, or any other kind of cultural law, written or not. The more we adhere to man-made laws, the more our souls seep out into the ether. This is why we find the most faithful followers to be empty. The same goes for political parties, celebrity worshippers, and most members of 12-step programs, due to their overly opinionated views on the program’s dogma. The very thing that helps a lot of us find solace in this cruel world is the very thing that steals our souls.
The final way a soul can be stolen is a devil, or representative thereof, makes you an offer to A) give you recognition to a talent you already have, therefore becoming well known and compensated for it. 2) To cure the thirst for love, a cure for a disease, or the sudden stop of a speech impediment, or to cure a limp. C) All-powerful man of leadership and financial fortitude for the hefty privy, one soul. At a representative devil, or representative thereof, may and can demand they pour rice as he, she, they, or it sees fit. In the event of your passing, your safe will be kept in a safety deposit box, where your mind will join at your passing and be stored there for eternity at 725 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022.
Protect your soul. Don’t let people take pictures of you, don’t post pictures on a social media or dating service site, don’t follow any dogma, foundation, or “the Way”, and do not fall for any temptations presented by a man with hooves and a forked tongue at any crossroads.
Also, if you hit “continue watching” on Netflix, you have lost a little more soul.
Prayer
Ammit,
Before you eat my soul,
I have reasons to confess all the reasons you are about to eat it.
I didn’t try.
I saw other people do it, so I did it.
I had no idea that by not liking anything with soul in it, I would be cursed to be crocodile-headed by a crocodile-headed hippo. (I think)
Here are things that will steal your soul because they are soulless:
Dave Matthews Band
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers,
Paul McCartney post-death 1966.
Golf.
Having liked Soccer, but never living in Europe or having any connection to a European city, going to a city in Europe, and being a fan of that soccer team.
North Face
Listening to Pearl Jam now.
Cargo shorts.
Jay-Z
Eminem.
The time I spotted Public Enemy as a favorite rap group, but never really listened to them until after I said it on Spotify.
Judas Priest.
Vaping and smoking cigarettes at the same time.
Saying I liked NCAA basketball when even the tournament is boring.
Liking anything because it’s stupid, or funny, or how dumb it is, is a guilty pleasure category.
Whenever I said, “Well, in Europe…”
Man bun.
Braided my hair.
Selfie in the bathroom.
Selfie repeats in the same place.
The accidental selfie when I was trying to “show” the viewer something.
A selfie of a dog and me.
A selfie of my girlfriend and me.
Basketball jersey with no shirt underneath.
Tucking a t-shirt into jeans with no belt.
Correcting the above with a braided belt.
Referring to a sports team as “we”.
Having a political argument on Facebook.
Unfriending someone over a political argument on Facebook.
Drinking rose in winter.
Being critical of superhero movies over the age of 16.
Complaining about traffic to a stranger.
Talking about the weather with a stranger.
Talking about the local sports team with a stranger.
Not talking about any of the previous three because people must know you don’t like any of those things.
I could keep going, but I can see you want to eat my soul.
What?
You can’t because I have no soul?
Oh.
Amen.
Craft
How do you get your soul back if you lost it? Well, it ain’t easy, but there are spells, rituals, and certain steps you can take to find your lost soul.
The photograph:
You must destroy both the picture and the negative by burning them in a pinecone fire. The unfortunate thing is that a hedgehog must be sacrificed to replace your soul, and since hedgehog souls are very similar to human souls, one must be burned alive to replace your soul. If you are under 50, a baby hedgehog must do.
If the picture is a selfie, you do all of the above, but the hedgehog must be caught with you walking backwards.
The posted picture:
This is a little harder to do, but using what we know about the ether, we can retrieve the soul using a little technique called soul fishing. The only issue is you might catch another soul or worse, a Seraph. Using a string and a stick, you must find a reflection in a mud puddle that reflects a building perfectly. A library, courthouse, or house of worship will do. Yes, it will have just rained, and yes, it has to be sunny.
Take the smartphone, open it to the picture, and tie it to the string.
Carefully drop your string into the water and try not to disturb it. The fewer the ripples, the more chance you have to feel a slight tug. After the tug, slowly and gently lift the string and phone out of the puddle. If the tug is violent, let go of the string and forget the phone; you got yourself an angel.
Put the phone in the rice for 24 hours. Remove the phone, then cook the rice and eat it. Add sriracha, and you have yourself some delicious soul.
Dating site:
You will have to marry the girl, get divorced shortly after your youngest child reaches 3, remarry someone you work with, have a messy short marriage with cops and anger management classes, and then marry the first wife again. Still, you’re in a less-than-ideal marriage, but you will be able to work on the boat you are building while she enjoys reality television every night.
Sorry.
The system:
This requires a long period of time, but here goes:
Turn every public phone handset upside down.
Turn every TV up to full blast and turn the TV off.
Dip your hand into the air every once in a while while driving.
Sit with your knees as wide apart on the bus.
Leave the corner of your sheet off your mattress so the corner is showing bare mattress.
Act like you are someone’s best friend one day, then treat them differently the next day.
Read every sign you see when someone else is driving. Extra points for using a funny voice.
Restock toilet paper, so that it comes from the backside instead of over the top.
Always put shoes in the washing machine.
Run with your arms down to the sides.
Always point out a good thing about anyone that most people hate and are talking plenty about.
There are plenty of other things you can do to bring your soul back from falling for a system, but I am sick and tired.
Goal
Be careful about how you treat your soul. The thing requires your skin, muscle, and skeletal system to protect it from harm, so don’t turn on the thing you were created to protect. Don’t go all willy nilly taking your picture just because your hair is perfect, or it’s the first time you’ve worn a dress since you went to a dance in 8th grade. Your soul is your soulmate; if you lose your soul, you attract your waste mate, and if you waste it on pictures and being dogmatic, you will die alone.
Love all of you.
Namaste.