Meditation for April 8th
Getting Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is feeling good about who you are, what you are doing, and where you are in life. Self-esteem is feeling confident in your decisions because you are living as yourself, not as you think others see you living. We get self-esteem by doing esteemable acts and not letting our doubts and fears weigh us down.
It’s too bad that just recycling or not using Amazon isn’t esteemed enough. Esteemable acts are those that sacrifice the good of your own life to help another person. This means you are actually leaving your comfortable life and working hard for no payoff at all, except for self-esteem, which, no matter how low a priority it is, will be better. Esteemable acts come from sacrifice.
The minute you tell someone what you have done for them, that self-esteem gets erased, and that esteemable act becomes nil. It might as well not have happened. Humble, esteemed acts are done for no credit whatsoever. The fewer people who know what you are doing, the more self-esteem you get, but the minute you start bragging about it, your self-esteem is erased, and you are at square zero, a narcissist who is just trying to look good.
Self-esteem works like this: you are a pitiful sack of flesh that has language, opposable thumbs, and the will to make choices (which might not be true, but let’s pretend you have free will for the sake of this argument). When you are not engaged with your fellow sacks of flesh, you are a waste of flesh. You have no purpose. You are an insignificant nothing robbing the earth of precious resources. You then do something for another person for no reason other than to help them, for no credit whatsoever; you become a sack of flesh that has purpose. You don’t need to recognize that your inconsequential reality has no meaning in the grand scheme of the universe.
Some theories on why we have consciousness are that it makes language and communication possible, and, with that, the whole purpose of language and communication is to relate with other humans. Therefore, we belong in communities helping one another.
People need help. People are trying to shoulder the hardships and coldness on their own. American society has forced us into individualism, but this keeps us under the weight of existence. If you can help one person feel less alone in this bleak place, then you are acting altruistically. Comedians do more for this life than any religious leader or politician can. Paying for someone’s coffee in a pay-it-forward scheme at Starbucks is just a lame ass privileged self-fuck, but making a person smile and feel at ease in a bottoming-out society is a real gift.
Self-esteem comes from making up a soul and putting it into someone else.
Prayer
The God of Callous Humors,
I volunteer at a soup kitchen,
I pick up trash at the beach,
I volunteer at a youth shelter,
I pull English ivy at the park,
I adopted a child,
I vote my conscience,
I ride a bike,
I recycle,
I disconnected my downspouts from the sewers,
I am creating a backyard bird sanctuary,
I do a free yoga class,
I pay for my friends’ drinks,
I don’t litter,
I don’t have kids,
I don’t wear makeup or hair products,
I don’t wear deodorant to my coworkers’ dismay,
I don’t eat meat,
I only eat the eggs my chickens lay,
I try so hard to be ok,
But I’m still depressed and lost.
For some reason, all of this isn’t enough.
I still feel less than.
I see other people in my circle of friends,
And I’m envious of how easy it is for them to get through life.
They seem impervious to the harms life deals us.
They are seemingly happy with ease.
I guess I’m not good enough.
Goddess of All Things Harden,
I don’t have low self-esteem.
How do I know?
Because people think I’m an asshole.
That means I have high self-esteem.
I say whatever is on my mind,
Even if it burns someone out.
I walk into a room full of people yelling.
I point at someone and tear them apart for wearing a dumb sweater,
When someone calls me out for being harsh,
I shrug my shoulders and say, “That is just who I am, love it or leave it!”
I won’t change.
Even if it’ll save several friendships.
I’m just an asshole.
I say what I think.
I say what you were thinking, right?
Right?
I say harsh stuff all the time,
But if someone says anything harsh about me,
I’ll die.
Amen.
Goal
Building self-esteem crafts.
Keep making birdhouses until you make it perfect.
Hide that you are learning to dance, and then when you show up to a wedding, bust a move!
Dress like you are The Most Interesting Man in the World at all times.
Tan.
Organize your bookshelf by color so that the whites fade into black across the rainbow spectrum.
Learn to cook very well and cook for everyone.
Mow your entire neighborhood’s lawns.
Have a lot of books to lend out. Like a library, but the library is you. The person doesn’t need a card, so don’t expect ever to see the book again, because people don’t really read, so the book will sit somewhere until the person hides the book because they feel so guilty for not even cracking it, so then they can’t seem to find it when you ask for it back.
Keep a deck of tarot cards with you so you can read people’s tarot cards. People love to hear about themselves, and this is a great way to talk about someone without having to hear them talk about themselves.
Always wear a tie and comb your hair.
Don’t ever go out in public in a tank top. Tank tops are underwear.
Smoke cigarettes once in a while. Self-esteem comes from not being addicted to them.
Have faith in gods and things so other people don’t have to.
Learn magic so you always have a trick up your sleeve. People have a love-and-fear relationship with magicians, so they will love you while also respecting you with fear.
Breaking into your neighbor’s house and doing their laundry.
Breaking into a writer’s house and rewriting what they’ve written, but writing it better. They’ll think it’s gnomes.
Eat better, exercise, and take a selfie every day, then post it on Facebook so everyone sees you lose weight.
Deliver pizzas to stoners who aren’t expecting pizza.
Goal
Basically, self-esteem is about action, not just thinking. You can think all you want, but it doesn’t change anything until you dive into being of service to others. You can meditate and tell yourself in the mirror all the time about how worthy you are, but the fact is that it doesn’t change until you are acting like you’re worth it.