Meditation for April 7th
Psychic Vampires
This world is full of people who will suck the life energy out of you if given a chance. Psychic Vampires are usually very self-important narcissists who will dominate your life with their feelings and fears without ever hearing yours. Sometimes a Psychic Vampire can hide their teeth for years before needing to feed, so we are completely surprised when we feel drained of all usefulness and connections to other human beings.
Here is the perfect way to know someone is a Psychic Vampire: tell a person a problem you are having. Let’s say, for example, you are having a relationship problem. Before you can even finish your story of woe, the Psychic Vampire will slowly take the story from yours to theirs under the guise of sharing their experience. Next thing you know, you are left exhausted and with no solution to your problem, and the Vampire just got done hugging you and thanking you.
That is a classic Psychic Vampire.
Another classic symptom is either leaving the Vampire or having your attention drawn away from the Vampire. Have you ever told someone you were about to go out and have a lot of fun with your friends, and they suddenly had a crisis, and they made you feel like you had to cancel your plans to be with them? This is a traditional Psychic Vampire trap. You end up ditching your friends and not doing what you love doing, so you can nurture and support your Vampire. You will not find this same support returned when you face a crisis.
That is a classic Psychic Vampire.
Some Vampires get you close to their fangs by being super depressed. They bemoan the world and feel like a victim of life’s cruel current. They slowly suck you dry of all hope by rambling on and on about problems and never accepting solutions or exploring possible answers. Some say Medusa turned people to stone by blaming the world for her problems rather than her stare.
That is a classic Psychic Vampire.
Your friendship has been going swimmingly for months. You guys keep having a great time. Then you end up stuck in traffic and get to Starbucks seven minutes late for your weekly coffee gab sesh. Your friend waits till you order your coffee, sit down, and talk like you usually do about the heavy traffic, and your friend gets up and says, “Maybe our friendship just isn’t that important to you. I’m leaving.” You are left with your mouth agape, a full caramel macchiato in hand, watching your friend drive off in a huff. You will feel tired and worn out for weeks after this because these Psychic Vampires wait till the perfect moment to strike, and they strike hard.
That is a classic Psychic Vampire.
Careful how you deal with Psychic Vampires, for if you aren’t careful, you might find yourself in a long-term relationship with one, or worse, you become one.
Prayer
Lord Ruthven,
I tried telling this person about possibly breaking up with my girlfriend,
And he suddenly went over his relationship three girlfriends ago,
And is telling me about finding closure thanks to talking about it with me.
I tried to keep bringing up my issue,
But it reminds him of one of his issues.
Yes, some of the issues are worse than mine,
But some of them are not bad at all and are wasting my time.
Now I’m giving him advice on his relationship!
I needed help, and all I got was his problems.
I feel sleepy.
Amen.
Craft
How do you kill a Psychic Vampire? These creatures are numerous and, at last count, make up 3 out of 5 people under 50; the odds are growing with each generation. It is extremely hard to kill a Psychic Vampire, and it is considered illegal in 49 states, where defending yourself against a psychic attacker does not hold up in court. (Please consult your local laws about your state’s stand your ground against Psychic Vampire laws)
There are a few ways to hold off a psychic assault, though.
- If you are full of confidence, then a Psychic Vampire can’t tear you down. You can set boundaries and not feel obligated to hear their whole story.
- Just by creating strong bonds to your mind and the issues it already has to defend against, you will have a light armor around yourself against psychic offenses.
- Don’t be dependent on people. Don’t feel like you have to be okay with being around people. A Psychic Vampire will smell the blood in the water and latch on to you for dear life. Be okay being alone.
- Be an asshole. Want to protect yourself from the onslaught of a psychic vacuum cleaner? Don’t be nice. Throw your sympathy to the wayside and just be mean. You won’t look like a good person, but at least you’ll have a full cup of psychic.
- Don’t post inspirational quotes on Facebook. That is sending an RSVP card to a lonely Psychic Vampire.
- Don’t be offended by anything, no matter how wrong the offending thing is. The very reaction of offense will send pheromones into the air, and you will find a murder of Psychic Vampires circling overhead.
Goal
Careful when it comes to dealing with Psychic Vampires. Even the most confident person can be sucked dry of empathy, sympathy, and compassion from others in one mistake in front of a Psychic Vampire. Travel in pairs if you go to late-night coffee shops, AA meetings, Goth or emo shows, or any place that is new age-y. Stay clear of men in ponytails or man buns. Stay away from women who are very good at makeup and love cats. Wear garlic and rose water at all times.
I used to live in Portland, Oregon, where Psychic Vampires caught in their cities get sent here to live out their prison time. Remember Escape from New York with Kurt Russell? Remember how Manhattan Island just became a prison? Well, that is Portland, but with only Psychic Vampires doing yoga, eating kale chips, and running coconut oil through their long, silky hair. Maybe Snake Plissken will have to be dropped off in Portland to save the President of the United States of America from getting psychologically smashed by someone telling the President about their childhood.
I now live in New England, where the Psychic Vampires are much more aggressive. Instead of coming at you to trauma bond, the New England Vampire will absolutely destroy you by telling you how shitty their life is, where they live, the weather is, and how it’s worse than anywhere else in the world, but they will get mad at you if you agree with them. In some ways, the Psychic Vampires are the most sensitive crybabies of all the Psychic Vampires.